Home.

Is this really home? Maybe. I woke up today and within 10 minutes I was crying. So much pent up, unspoken and ignored emotions bubbling and boiling.

Then the kettle started whistling.

It's as if the world kept on turning while I was standing still and I just realized that nobody was standing with me and the world kept turning and tilting and revolving. As soon as I looked up, people got older, people changed, people found and people lost.

They say "people come and people go. People stay because people choose." I wish someone had told me that I could choose to leave.

Just because I don't hang out with old friends doesn't mean I don't remember the past.

It's just that, I've closed that chapter already. There wasn't a group of people whom I consider real friends and real people who hasn't seen/experienced the worst of me. I'm talking about those times I've passed out from drinking too much or those times that I cried myself (temporarily) blind. Yeah, those chapters are finished. I'm off to make new chapters with new people.

I will never forget though. I have good friends and I've known high-quality people that I will probably never meet again in my aimless journey and I'm grateful that they took me home (without touchy-touchy-ing me), pulled my hair back when I had to throw up and when they had to keep calm when I was hyper-ventilating.

I love my life largely because they kept me alive and they made me feel not so alone.

I don't settle. At times it becomes a hassle but I can't help it. I don't settle.

There's only one thing for me: what I want. If it doesn't quite fit the requirements, fuck that... I don't settle. So I can go a year without what I need... I live in a small island, and I'm the type who doesn't go for generics. It has to be perfect. Looks, yes. Mind, yes. Taste in music, yes. Color, yes.

Yes I said it... color. There's a minimum requirement for me, don't make me say it out loud. Let's just say that out of 10 internationals I meet, I've only ever been attracted to one. I have a penchant for rare.

the furnace burns hot and
she burns like amber and then
her blood boils a little.
it tingles a little.
she stares a little.

...
to be continued.

State of Heart
Looking. Not actively... not actively looking. I filled that void by myself a long time ago, I'm not looking for that anymore. Right now, I'm looking for someone to complement me... a decent hue, a warm color. Someone who makes me feel comfortable medium rare steaks (note plurality) in front of them, someone who'll take me to a place with decent steaks. Getting distracted again... Where I'm at right now gives me the privildge to meet lots of people but it's rare for me to meet people I'd actually want to miss work for. Capricorn. Workaholic. That's one thing I'm looking for... someone interesting enough to pull me away from my daily grind. It comes so few and far in between.

State of Mind
To stay or to go? To be a foreigner or to be content with home? Life is real simple, real easy for me right now. I get up at 8:30, be at work at 9. Go home at 6 and be drunk by 10... repeat. Do I dare? Do I dare leave this bubble? Shit has been on my mind for some time now.

State of Soul
I feel... strangely satisfied. It's supposed to be a fleeting feeling but it's been here for a while. I see the ocean, the sunrise and the sunset and I feel calm.. I feel mellow. But being me and having a tendency to up and leave whenever things start becoming to feel comfortable. Knowing me, I have a tendency to ruin good things.

Going back to my Red Horse now.

Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves.
Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Whatever feels like home I guess.

I want to be everything you need,
and I want to be the one you're proud of.
But it seems like no matter what I do,
I'll never be home to you.

~
Goodbye my love and farewell,
you'll always be the one I love the most.

Glass Girl

She says she's made of stone,
the kind that is cold to the touch,
she wears a crown, she sits on her throne
but she really doesn't know very much.

She's pretty to look at, she smiles a lot
she knows what she's about.
She never cries, she tries,
she gets everything she wants.

But the cracks are showing,
her skin has stopped glowing,
She knows she's running out of time.

Beneath perfection is this fragile thing,
when touched scatters about.
It's there she hides all her fears,
and the sins she'll never act out.

It's this, her secret secret she protects
with every bit of strength and submission.
If all of this were to come tumbling down,
The glass will shatter, and so will her crown.

I think about life as much
as I think about death and
I'm in this stupor coz
it hurts too much to let
go and to let you leave
me alone and wanting
you more and more so
if you ain't coming back I
might as well never wake up.

Slow like...

honey, heavy with mood.

-Fiona Apple

When

When I'm sad, I sink. I sink so deeply, it's all pitch dark. And I want to scream and shout and say fuck you to anything that moves but I end up staring into space and feel like throwing up. There are so many things I wanna say, I wanna bitch, I want to start fights. But I don't. I don't because... well, I just don't and the police has nothing to do with that.

I think this is called a mild episode. If I don't get better in 3 days, I'm going home.

Why'd You Have to Have Her?

First impressions: he was cute, athletic, nice smile, confident, tisoy and bibo. But I wasn't really interested.

But then why why why does he have an live-in partner with whom he's not in love with.

Tuloy, you piqued my interest.

I want to go back to those days when I had bridges to burn. When I had to prove that I could make it on my own. Back when the money I spent wasn't mine.

I love him. He breaks my heart, he makes me cry, he knows how to fix but he loves another. He loves himself the most. He loves me the least. But he fixes me, without even knowing it. Even without saying anything, I get fixed. And I smile and I feel fuzzy. Even when he tells me about his kid, about his new love, about his selfish passions. Such things fixes me and I don't hate him for it. I could never ever hate him. I only have love for him. And when I'm old, surrounded by the present, I will long for him.

I love him.

Worst multiply shopping experience ever!

I did everything required, sent pm's, filled out the order form and shit. I chose lbc as the courier, gcash for payment, things like that. The next day or the day after that i received a text from air 21 in kalibo telling me that i have a package there, what do we do about it daw. Teka, hold your horses, air 21? Kalibo? E i chose lbc ha.
So i asked my beloved seller, kung anong ginagawa ng damit ko sa kalibo. Ang sagot? "huh? Lbc has minimum 3 lbs na requirement and air 21 is cheaper. I thought you knew this." Anak ng tinola! Pano ko malalaman yun e lbc nga gusto ko dahil a) air 21 does not ship to boracay and b) friends na kami nung delivery people nila dito.
So i asked again kung pano na, eto ang winner, sabi niya "di mo ba pwede i pick up nalang since malapit ka narin naman." sang dimension ka nakatira para masabi m na malapit ang kalibo sa boracay. To be continued...

I suddenly remembered some things. Well, that sort of thing is bound to happen if you see old photos.

I remember this time when.... well, what I was doing was sort of illegal because a.) I was a minor, b.) I was not supposed to be there and c.) my parents would kill me if they knew what I was doing. BUT! BUT! BUT! It was fun times. Good times. I miss the people I was with, the hassle I went through, the dough I spent and well, maybe the tears I cried from 2AM to 7AM, at least then I was in love and I knew how to fall in love and I wasn't scared.

:)