Today, I only had half a bagel and two slices of mango pie. It's already 8PM. I walked from the MRT station to almost our house. I didn't have to. There was no need. But I started walking, then I kept on walking. If I didn't have to stop by the drug store I would've walked all the way. My problem used to be that my mind was all over the fucking place. Now, it's just not there. My mind has chosen a better world, a world that doesn't and never will exist. Tis a disorder that gets me once or twice.

"Anyone whose goal is 'something higher' must expect someday to suffer vertigo. What is vertigo? Fear of falling? No, Vertigo is something other than fear of falling. It is the voice of the emptiness below us which tempts and lures us, it is the desire to fall, against which, terrified, we defend ourselves."

--Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

Ladies and gentlemen, this is vertigo. Only this time, I am not raising my arms in defense. I am letting it swallow me, little by little. Like the novel, I don't see a clear plot to everything, just recurring themes. Like no matter how hard I try to rise above it all, the same things keep on pulling back. Different faces, different names, different stories but only one result. Why is it that when you're on your weakest, that's when you just want to sink even more? Gravity.

I try to be more profound but like I said, I am being pulled back. By an unseen force, not meant to deny me insight, but rather to challenge me to think higher, to think beyond what is usually made obvious to me. Either that, or I just lack insight. Or to be more precise, I've lost insight. Everything has made me dumber. And blunt. Tabula Rasa. It will come eventually.